.valuable.

So I am standing here in the midst of crazy; but crazy seems to not be touching me.

I was remembering back in my life, the different phases and different times. Places where I was sinking beneath the floor boards; I was drowning beneath the weight of all that I was experiencing. I understand that I made the choices to be in the positions I was in. I was allowing myself to be killed, to have every ounce of skin ripped from my body, tearing every muscle, ligament and vein. I allowed it. Every effed up relationship. Every time I whispered a reciprocated verb. But it wasn’t real. None of it was what I want, nor expect from those types of relationships. I had somehow forgotten the value of me. I was so focused on them and fixing them; I was lost in the pity I felt for them.

I have come to realize that a huge part of self development is understanding that what is important is not the approval of others, but the approval of self and, inevitably, the rest will follow. I really feared what emotions could do or be because I had never had anyone value me or love me the way I should be. The tumultuousness of this worldly “love” was based in nothingness and it was totally breaking the reality of true “love” for me. I sort of, even now, fear feelings and emotions, not because the emotions are scary, but it is what happens if you lose them. If I really put my heart in it and invest into someone and it comes crashing down so will the fragile crimson walls of the heart that beats inside of me. I on some level hide behind these “trust issues”. And how many times can I offer that excuse in place of the truth? I am afraid of revealing my true emotions and that after offering my heart it will be replaced back into my hands in a million effing pieces. Maybe its not new people I don’t trust, its past people. Those past people [whom I will never trust again] cause me to fear new people. My friends know what I am talking about. I mean locked up and barbed wired type stuff. I feel like people, by their character and their actions, can gain my trust. Sometimes I feel instant connections and like I have been friends with someone forever. Sometimes I trust people without needing a reason. Sometimes I just know something is to come of our meeting. Other times it takes longer for that trust to develop.

I mean why should I just offer it all up? I have pulled the weeds. I have, every person that I entrusted with my hope, dreams, and love, that has betrayed me are no longer close to me. I am cordial. I am honest. And I love them out of the Love Jesus gives me to offer. But we are not intimate and that’s ok. Many of them change me [or I change myself]. Its like I revert back to earlier years and that is completely unhealthy. I get that attitude; the protective pity. I don’t know, but it’s ridiculous. I am called to something greater, something better, a love that God has ordained. I am called to the man that I will spend forever with. Whomever he is, I believe that God has fashioned him for me and the whole “fear” thing wont come into play.

I value myself. I value my future. And I value the man that will eventually be my husband.