Suddenly the ground feels solid; for once in my life it feels solid. It’s definitely a twisted tale, you know, this life’s journey.
I don’t want to talk about the things I have done, the things I have seen. But sometimes, sometimes it just spills out of my mouth and I wonder if it scares you, like here I am this girl that looks like she has it together, but hasn’t always. I can say for certain that I am only in one piece, that I haven’t fallen completely apart, because of God. I was coming out of it. Cutting the bad from my life. And then the accident happened, and it shifted my life completely. I mean it was like an earthquake that sent these ripples throughout my whole body, touching places deep within myself that I never knew existed.
I keep thinking, her death, I don’t want her death to be a waste, but how do I change that? How do I make her life something more than 26 wasted years?
So I was driving down the freeway last night and I saw this single white shoe on the side of the road, and I didn’t panic. I mean I flashed back; but didn’t start crying as usual. An alteration in this mental state. I was brought back to the flashing red and blue lights, the freezing temperatures that didn’t seem to touch me, the calming voice of the officer [an angel in disguise, he held my hand and he talked to me, and he cared, you know? Genuine.], and her shoe. A single blue shoe that lay in the middle of the lane. That’s her. I mean, thats what I see sometimes, her shoe. Is that weird? I don’t know but it was strange for me that all these things relate. There is this crazy relational process that occurs in my mind, like I relate everything to her and to that night, and I am getting better at not doing it all the time, but then I fear that I if I don’t think about her, then who will?
I don’t want to be crazy. I didn’t want to be crazy.
[Phase 1] Denial was felt for sure. Like I knew it happened, but I didn’t at the same time. I was numb. I was completely in this place of utter denial. Its like my mind tried to preserve what was left, it wanted to stop the pain and the hurt. All of a sudden, like this crazy crashing wave, I would become overwhelmed with this crazy aching pain. And then fear, I feared that somehow it was my fault, that somehow I was to blame. I would hear sounds or someone would say something and I would break apart. My knees would weaken, silence would surround me like an impending fainting episode, and I would weep. I never cried like I did for her, never. I am not emotionally driven, and it was weird to cry like that, you know? It was weird how the denial was lifted and the emotions made me feel raw. Made me feel completely laid out and broken. It lasted for a month or two.
And then I saw her face in your face. And then I saw you in her place. And then, then the anger came.
[Phase 2] Anger began to replace the denial and sadness. Like really bad anger and for a couple months I was really angry. But it wasn’t directed at anyone in particular. I began to develop this crazy indignation, like I couldn’t be comfortable and I couldn’t understand so I didn’t really know where to place it. I was mad. I was mad at her, which also came weighted with guilt. I was mad at myself. I even began to place anger on God. And I began to douse it in alcohol. Or I tried. But one night happened and the results were too heavy to bare, and that’s when I stopped drinking. I mean wine every now and then, but drinking is done.
[Phase 3] I am not sure what bargaining tool I have. I mean that was my bargaining tool. I wanted it to stop, the incessant thoughts, the pain, the hurt, frustrations, fears, and whatever else was spinning inside of me. So I bargained my actions and I thought I will do something nice. I was mad at myself for getting so mad at her.
[Phase 4] I wanted to die too. Depression was there until about a month ago. It was swallowing me whole. Sleep came easy. Afternoon naps came easy. I wanted to meld into the faces of every passing stranger. I literally wanted to disappear. Battling depression is something I have done, so I know when it’s coming. I know it will be all consuming. So this time, this time I felt prepared. I realize now that my depression is a result of falling away, or not pressing into God. Into the answers. So I began evaluating who I was and I realized it was not the best version of me. I work out, because I know it makes me feel better. I go to church because I like the community and the support. I eat meals with my family and friends, because it means so much to me. But I avoid bars and I don’t like to watch people drink anymore and its weird because being away from it, makes me happier. I guess that alcohol holds this gripping power over so many, and I don’t want to be a part of it. So the depression is gone and I feel better. I mean I feel SO MUCH BETTER.
[Phase 5] The acceptance phase. I just realized this is where I am standing now. This is where I am at. It is crazy. But I believe that right now, I am better than I have ever been in my entire life.
So I am healing, right? I have come to this place in my life where I am reaching forward and fighting for the best version of myself. I realize that this relationship that I have with God has brought me here. I have this overwhelming understanding of the things I have rebelled against in the past, and it’s weird. I mean I feel like “wow, I was sort of really lost.” I mean I was lost and now, now I am found. Anyways, this thing came up last week. Something that should be breaking me a part. Tearing me down piece by piece; but it’s not. I am standing on this crazy solid ground and I am asking God to hold me and carry me through it. I have repented for the horrible things in my past. For the things that brought me so much guilt, anger, and unworthiness. And I know God continues to Love me, even through all of this. And I won’t waiver. I mean I am holding on. And this weight doesn’t seem so heavy.
And I am holding on. And I don’t blame her. And I don’t blame him. I mean, here I am accepting the consequences of bad behavior and stupid choices and stupid actions, but I standing and I am holding on.
